OH how I love Christmas and I love it when it is over too. Seems so much to do to get ready and then bam....all over. Life sort of returns to normal and I can relax a little bit. I am doing pretty good.

I seem to be over my cold and it seemed like forever to actually recover. Not sure why other than a lot of traveling and such just made it last longer. I know it wore me down and I felt sick as a dog for about two weeks. I'm back seeing patients and that is just fine with me.

I've had a bit of trouble sleeping as of late. I had a death call last week and the dreams are more me dreaming of mom and that situation. This is disturbing and I don't like it. However, because I'm in the unique position of being present at death(s) as well as pronouncing death I felt that this would come up so I was a bit prepared. Needless to say; I'm tired of the dream I keep having over and over again but I remind myself that this will pass and my mind will run amuck when I sleep unfortunately. I'm still grieving as well and that has a lot to do with the dreams.

It hasn't snowed here in at least two weeks. I'd be happy with more snow though. Never thought I'd say that but it is really pretty and so peaceful to me. I enjoy watching it fall. I do not like driving in it though. I'd rather just sit by my big window in the living room and watch it fall. Unfortunately I cannot do that due to needing to work and such. lol.

I've not got my house in order since the move either. The day the movers came is the day mom died. So I was here for four hours before I had to get on a plane and go home. When I came back I was back at work and unpacking and getting my house in order has taken a back seat and has been slow going. I'm off all weekend and I'll be using that time to unpack things, move things around and hang pictures. I like a clean house and right now the boxes are driving me nuts.

I hope that my friends here had a great Christmas. I had a good one. I was sad and happy all at the same time.

Well, I'm back in AK. It has been a long month. I'm ok though. Other than being sick all is well. I can't seem to get over this sinus crap. grrr!!! I'm taking my medicine and hoping that I'll feel more like myself very soon.

I'm back at work but cannot go see patients because I'm sick. that irritates me even though that is the smart thing to do. I wouldn't want to expose my patients to what I have but I don't do good in the office either. Actually, tomorrow I'm not to work. I'm going to stay home and sleep all day. I think part of the reason I cannot get over this is that I keep pushing myself.

I mailed Christmas gifts today. All done with that. I'm glad. I've not done ANYTHING for Christmas here though. no tree or anything. One reason is that my house is still messy from moving. The boxes are all over the place and I've yet to get it all cleaned. I get home from work and do a box here or there and then start all over the next day.

We have received a fair amount of snow. I live approximately 23 miles from my office. It took me 1.5hr to get to work today and 2hrs to get home. now THAT wears me out. It is because of wrecks and the snow. Not a think I can do about it either. There is one road in and one road out of Anchorage. I'll just deal with it.

I was going to write about Mom but you know............I just dont't want to right now.

I hope my friends are doing good.

It has been two weeks has past now. I'm glad. I seem to be doing better and that is a relief. I still have moments of pain but I would think that is normal. I catch myself thinking "oh, I need to tell mom....." and then I wake up or realize that no, I won't be doing that. Doesn't that seem normal? I hope it is and I hope that I stop doing that over time. It is painful and I don't like that. You know, I called my mother every day for the past 20 yrs just to say hi and I love you. Sometimes we'd talk for just a min and other times we end up talking for hours. No reason for that...it just happened that way.

So what is new? Well, I leave here on Friday and fly back to AK. I'm ready and not ready. I miss my home and I miss my AK home too. I've learned so much about life and love going through what I've gone through.

While this may sound crappy I'm going to say it anyways. I really found out who my friends are and aren't. I am saddened that some of the people I thought I could count on have not been seen or heard from in the past two weeks. On the other hand this experience has affirmed that I can take care of my self when I have to and that I'm much stronger than I thought I was before all this happened.

I've moved away from some people and closer to others. I've always been a loner of sorts but over the last few years I've gotten away from being alone and reached out more. I don't know what this experience will do to that part of me now. I can't decide and don't care to dig too deep into at this point. I'm just going to continue on and just be me.

I will say that the pain of leaving here only hurts because my father and brother are here. The "friends" aren't a concern of mine at this point. Sorry to say but I realize that saying that you know who your friends are when the chips are down is more true than not. I know that I will stay in contact with "friends" here but I won't be making special trips or excess efforts at this point. I know that I am bitter right now. I also know that expectations not met are my own. I'll just leave it there.

one bright spot in all this is that dad and I have come through this dark time together and we will both be ok. I'm worried about dad being alone, but I'm also at peace about it. It is crazy but my greatest fear was him being alone, now though I feel he will be ok. Yes, it will be difficult and sadness will remain for a long time but we have talked so much about that hurt and sadness. It will be a moment by moment thing for him and probably for me too.

my brother has been a rock to me. I needed that. There was something so comforting about the night I flew in and walked through the door to dad's and saw my brother there waiting for me. He is so loving and far cry from the crazy brother that use to be mean to me. LOL. We always laugh about our childhood.

So much has happened. I've learned so much about me. I have a new outlook on certain things. all in all, I'm good. I'll survive this and I'll have my own difficult moments. I know that many have lost before me and they survived. I'm not different from them I suppose.

Taking it slow and counting my blessings.

thank you to those of you who wrote to me. Cared enough to take the time to think of me and make the effort. your kindness is a big part of why I'm doing better today.

Thank you
Angie

Let me ramble. I just want to talk/write. Let me share my week with you. It was full of laughter, tears, pain, happiness, guilt, anger and gratitude. I experienced all emotions and sometimes all at once. Sometimes I'd be laughing and become angry. Other times I'd be angry and become happy and grateful. It was and is crazy. I'm aware of the grief process. At least, I know of it, understand it and accept it for what it is. Grief. There is no easy way to do this dying of mom thing. I'm not about to pretend I have any answers. I don't.

I don't know how to be me now without a mom. I don't know who I can talk to about "girl" things. She was my best girlfriend. We shared a lifetime of love and learning. She taught me and sometimes I think I taught her. I've come to see her already as someone I knew. Someone who lovED me. But.....sometime I still love. I wonder how that happens? I wonder if I'm the only one who feels these things? I wonder why things happen the way they do? I know some of the answers. I can accept that life has a natural order and all that jazz.

I would be here or there this week. I'd be at funeral home or the cemetery. I'd be picking out a casket one minute and the next I'm previewing pictures for a slide show. Then, like magic, I would be picking out a plot and deciding the forever resting place for my mother. It seemed like a bad dream. So unfair and yes, I felt sorry for myself. How pitiful.

I didn't like people asking me over and over again "what happened"? Ummmmmmmmmm...I think it is pretty clear WHAT happened. They wanted the details. I wasn't comfortable sharing those last moments of her life. Is that wrong? I don't know, but I didn't share those moments. In part because it isn't their business and partly because the more I told it the more tore up I became. The harder it became for me to accept where I was and what was happening.

I have to say that I was AMAZED at the amount of people who showed up at the visitation and services to show their support and love. It lifted me up. I was soothed and sometimes it only for a moment I would feel like I would be ok. I'd watch my father from across the room and wait for him to make eye contact. Or I'd search out my brother. Just a look from either of them helped me be ok and get through that moment. I'm so so sad still. I will be for sometime. So will they.

So today we are at the cemetery and just as the service began it started raining. Not hard, not a storm, but just a little sprinkle. It finally stopped though. The service was nice. It was appropriate and I was VERY pleased as was my father and brother.

My mother's favorite song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow. We played that song today as we did at the funeral home. The point I'm trying to make is that as we were dismissed from the service my brother called to me and said "look over there. Do you see that"? My eyes started to burn again as it had so often before now but now I was smiling. yes...there was a beautiful rainbow. I felt happy in that moment.

So what now? I don't know. I don't know what to do or how to do it but I know that I will survive. I will find peace again. I will one day remember mom with a smile on my face instead of an ache and tears. I don't think I'll never not miss her but maybe one day I'll have peace.

I am sorry to those of you who commented me on my other entry and I didn't respond. I generally try to be more on it. I hope you know that it isn't my intention to not respond to those who care about me. Please forgive me for now. and thank you for reading me.

My mother passed away Monday night and I'm beyond exhausted, emotional, and my head hurts. WAY too many decisions I had to make today. I got the news at 6:30pm in AK and I was on an airplane at midnight.

I'll be around.

I hope my friends have a good Thanksgiving. I"m sorry to be a sad person today but I just don't see happy right now. : (